"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
