I want to make a zoo with you.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
