I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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