i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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