All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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