im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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