There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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