I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
