My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
