i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
