you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
