Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
