I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need moral support for this bender
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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