Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
