i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Randomize
