Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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