Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
