ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
