Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Hippo gnu deer
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
