Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
