This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
