how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He? As in you personified your dick?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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