the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
