So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
