There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
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So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
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'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
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