Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
