He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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