I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
