Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
