I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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