i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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