I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
