I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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