All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
