you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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