i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I see more hoeing in ur future
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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