Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
