she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
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I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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