as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
She even gives head with a lisp.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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