Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
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