I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
