so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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