how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
