An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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