Your dad touched me again.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
