You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
