Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
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If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
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Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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