So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
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He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
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You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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