You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
