my vag is so smooth its legendary
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
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