Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I need a burrito and a hug.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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