Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
