I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
