After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
