Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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