I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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