everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
